X2  the Parody
by Adrian Tullberg
Summary: Chapter Three Added - now bordering on libel ...
1. Default Chapter

X2 - the parody.  
  
by Adrian Tullberg.  
  
Be warned.  
  
INT - the White House.  
  
NIGHTCRAWLER beats up the entire Secret Service in less than three minutes!  
  
NIGHTCRAWLER  
Ha! For the Germans, it is alvays third time lucky!  
  
INT - the X Mansion  
  
WOLVERINE appears on screen  
  
FEMALE AUDIENCE  
Get Your top off!  
  
STORM appears on screen  
  
MALE AUDIENCE  
What they said!  
  
They don't.  
  
EVERYONE  
SHIT!  
  
CYCLOPS enters.  
  
WOLVERINE  
Hey, red eye, those crabs cleared up yet?  
  
CYCLOPS  
Go fill up my bike.  
  
CYCLOPS tries to look manly.  
  
CYCLOPS (cont'd)  
Bitch.  
  
WOLVERINE  
Where do they keep the sugar ... ?  
WOLVERINE catches up with XAVIER in CEREBRO.  
  
XAVIER  
WOlverine, in an effort to appear socially conscious, either put out your cigar or spend the rest of the film thinking you're a twelve year old Vietnemese prostitute.  
  
WOLVERINE  
You're serious?  
  
XAVIER  
I'll have Jean pimp you out. Look, it's a good way to show off your healing factor to everyone else who hasn't seen the first film, so put it out or the next words out of your mouth will be 'Sucky sucky ten dorrar'.  
  
WOLVERINE does so, trying to emote pain.  
  
XAVIER  
Jesus Christ, I thought you were the tough guy in these films.  
  
WOLVERINE  
Just trying to show off my sensitive side ... a 'Kate and Leopold' doesn't come along every day you know.  
  
XAVIER (pulls out tape recorder)  
Memo to self: find out root cause of Meg Ryan's irrational attraction for Australian/New Zealand men, and reformat brain.  
  
WOLVERINE  
While you're at it, gonna check out Catherine Zeta-Jones?  
  
XAVIER  
I'm only qualified for software. Now check this out.  
  
CEREBRO actives, showing every single mutant on the planet.  
  
XAVIER  
Now I can use this to track down irrational Germans ...  
  
WOLVERINE  
Gotta be alot more specific than that ...  
  
XAVIER  
Okay ... blue German mutants who've tried to kill the President in the last few hours ... but I have to be careful. IF I CONCENTRATE TOO HARD - I MIGHT KILL HIM.  
  
WOLVERINE  
Very sutble foreshadowing there Chuck.  
  
XAVIER  
Found him! Notice how useful Cerebro is if used responsibily. Hey, wanna see the population of Utah do the Macarena?  
  
WOLVERINE  
Cool.  
  
INT - White House  
  
STRYKER  
Ah, Senator Kelly. I can't say I agreed with your reversal on the Mutant Registration Act, but I love your new Revlon commercials.  
  
KELLY  
Thank you! And I love your assistant's hair, what shampoo does she use?  
  
PRESIDENT  
Er ... anyway ... Stryker here was just briefing me on this school ...  
  
STRYKER  
Mutant Training Camp!  
  
PRESIDENT  
... that he wants to hit.  
  
STRYKER  
Detain for questioning.  
  
PRESIDENT  
Whatever.  
  
KELLY  
Just watch out for the stairs, they get slippery this time of year.  
  
STRYKER  
Whu?  
  
KELLY  
Ah .. I mean, you can't do this! It's a school?  
  
STRYKER  
With it's own jet?  
  
KELLY  
Have you seen how much it costs to send your kids to one of these? We know they're not spending it on teacher's salaries.  
  
PRESIDENT  
That's enough. go find that freak.  
  
STRYKER  
I'll find the mutant ...  
  
PRESIDENT  
I don't give a rat's ass he's mutant, I care that he's German! I think he was trying to audition me for one of their porn films ...  
INT - Magneto's Cell.  
  
STRYKER  
Well well? How are you?  
  
MAGNETO  
Oh fine, can't complain.  
  
STRYKER  
Huh? The constant humiliation, no privacy, and the guard who looks like he came straight from the set of Deliverance?  
  
MAGNETO  
I was in the British public school system.  
  
STRYKER  
Curses! Oh well, time to use the mind control stuff again ...  
  
INT - Xavier's mansion - kitchen - night  
  
WOLVERINE's in the kitchen with ICEMAN  
  
WOLVERINE  
Where's the booze?  
  
ICEMAN  
This is a school. With a mindreading headmaster. The last time I had an impure thought, Xavier turned me into a transexual hooker named Clarice.  
  
WOLVERINE  
He's really hung up about that prostitute theme, isn't he?  
  
ICEMAN  
I spent three hours trying to convince Ron Jeremy to give me a part in one of his films.  
  
WOLVERINE  
Oh.  
  
ICEMAN  
Only got scale, too.  
  
INT - Magneto's prison  
  
XAVIER  
Hey bitch, picked up any soap yet?  
  
MAGNETO  
No, I just walk ... maybe run ... or skip ... but mostly walk, just because I feel like it ... over to my taxpayer funded ensuite shower. Tell me, how much does a mansion full of teenagers cost you in heating and food?  
  
XAVIER  
Shut up - you know anything about freaky blue Germans?  
  
MAGNETO  
No ... internet ... connection ... here ...  
  
XAVIER  
Whu ... uh ...  
  
Despite being THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH, XAVIER is caught COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE and goes down.  
  
CYCLOPS  
oKAY! Cyclops to the rescue!  
  
And a JAPANESE CHICK beats the crap out of him.  
  
CYCLOPS  
... dang ...  
Meanwhile, SPEC OPS soldiers on loan from Tom Clancy's latest novel sneak into the mansion.  
  
WOLVERINE  
Shame Rogue was kicked out of her home.  
  
ICEMAN  
You know, I found that really weird ... I would have thought having a teenage daughter that a boy couldn't touch without dying would be a father's wet dream ...  
  
WOLVERINE  
I thought she came from one of those Southern States ... ?  
  
ICEMAN  
Oh, now it makes sense ...  
  
A soldier bursts into the kitchen and wrestles Wolverine  
  
WOLVERINE  
Okay! I'll just use my adamantium coated skull to knock this guy into next week ...  
  
BRYAN SINGER  
Hang on! We're under contract with Marvel to cameo as many mutants as possible!  
  
WOLVERINE pushes the soldier around until some redhead SCREAMS and another RUNS THROUGH WALLS.  
  
BRYAN SINGER  
Okay, now you can kill them!  
  
WOLVERINE starts carving up soldiers  
  
STRYKER  
Uh oh, Clancy's gonna be pissed ... hey Wolverine! Long time no see!  
  
ROGUE  
Wolverine! You can't fight them all!  
  
WOLVERINE  
Yes I can! Haven't you read my title? I go through this many highly trained soldiers in the first two pages!  
  
ICEMAN  
Dude this is the movies! You had your hands full with a blue chick who watched the Matrix!  
  
WOLVERINE  
Uh oh.  
  
WOLVERINE, ROGUE, ICEMAN and ANAKIN ... sorry, PYRO head to the garage. They stop by the BRAND NEW METALLIC BLUE Mazda RX-8 SPORTS CAR with SPORTY INTERIOR. ROGUE lies on the hood, rubbing her hand over the surface, WOLVERINE gets behind the wheel and looks very manly, and ICEMAN and PYRO use their UNWORTHY TOUNGES to lick any impurites that the tyres might have picked up from the road.   
  
STRYKER  
Did you catch Wolverine?  
  
SOLDIER  
No SIR! Our millions of dollars in military equipment, satellite assisted tracking technology and state of the art weaponry was NO MATCH for the RX-8's AGGRESSIVE STYLING and ROTARY ENGINE! SIR!  
  
EXT - on the road  
  
PYRO attempts to turn on the radio  
  
PYRO  
WOuldn't this be a good way to pad out the soundtrack album with a rockin' techno track?  
  
WOLVERINE  
Sorry - what wasn't picked up by the Matrix and their sequels was snatched by xXx. There's some N'sync ...  
  
PYRO  
And they call us genetic freaks ... 


	2. Chapter Two

INT - secret laboratory  
  
STRYKER  
Wakey wakey! I've attached a little gadget to your head - attempt to use your telepathy, and you'll download the reviews for every odd-numbered Trek film and Nemesis directly into your cerebral cortex. Now, pay attention to my exposition. I'm making a Korean knock off of your Cerebro room, and intend to use you to KILL EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!  
  
XAVIER  
Someone's insecure about their small dick, aren't they?  
  
STRYKER  
Shut up! Now I'll leave you alone with my mind controlling son! Notice the irony of my having a mutant for a son coupled with my irrational hatred ...  
  
The DOOR SLAMS  
  
XAVIER  
Okay ... I taught this kid ... I can resist for a while, pretend to be taken over ... and once they remove this thing from my head, I can make every person in a mile radius my bitch ...  
  
SRYAN SINGER  
Er, sorry ... you get taken over, then used to kill every mutant on the planet.  
  
XAVIER  
What? I'm the world's most powerful telepath! Does that mean I have to bend over and take it from this comatose Mastermind knock-off? I'm a trained Shakespearian actor for Christ's sake!  
  
INT - Bar  
  
A totally HOT BLONDE hits on the REDNECK GUARD - telling the audience SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. All is revealed when MYSTIQUE knocks him out and INJECTS him with liquid metal.  
  
INT - Iceman's home  
  
ICEMAN: Mom, Dad ... I'm not really a honor roll student at an exclusive school for geniuses ... I'm a mutant.  
  
ICEMAN'S DAD: Then what the hell are we shelling out forty grand a year for?  
  
ICEMAN'S MOM: Son ... have you tried ... not being a mutant?  
  
ICEMAN: Why the hell would I do that? All leather uniform ... cool 'outsider yet powerful' status ... recuring mini-series ...  
  
ICEMAN'S BROTHER: This sucks! I want my own inconsistent series! I'm calling the cops!  
  
PYRO: I'm a living flamethrower, his brother can freeze dry him, and his girlfriend's a virtual vampire ... does he want to die?  
  
ICEMAN's DAD: I dropped him a lot when he was a baby ... I was going through my Harlem Globetrotters phase ...  
  
INT - Magneto's Cell  
  
GUARD: Ready to get something into you?  
  
MAGNETO: I think I'll get something out of you ...  
  
The GUARD rises into the air, and the BLOOD IS RIPPED FROM his body. MAGNETO then starts carving up the assorted guards.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM  
Hang on ... since when does he need metal to fly?  
  
MAGNETO  
No I didn't!  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM  
Yes! you clearly flew in the first one!  
  
MAGNETO  
Er ... look! Pyro's going to do something!  
  
EXT - Iceman's house  
  
Police STORM the house, knocking out WOLVERINE with a single bullet.  
  
PYRO  
Okay! My turn to do something cool!  
  
He starts setting fire to things ... because it's his thing.  
  
ROGUE  
Hey! I get to do something too!  
  
ROGUE steals his power and turns off the fires. JEAN and STORM arrive and pick up the four mutants, and are challenged by FIGHTER JETS  
  
STORM  
Er ... guess that painting the Iraqi flag on the side wasn't such a good idea, hey fellas? Don't worry, I'll fix it!  
  
STORM creates several tornadoes at once in a small area, downing the fighter planes, but is still hit by a missile. However, they head straight towards where MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are walking.  
  
EXT - Clearing  
  
MAGNETO  
Stryker has developed a version of Cerebro that will pinpoint every mutant on Earth ... then download Halle Berry's 'Do you know what a toad ...' line AND her Oscar acceptance speech on an infinite loop simaltaneously into their brains. It'll keep going until their lower colon leaps up their abdomen and throttles the brain in a mercy killing.  
  
EVERYONE SHUDDERS  
  
WOLVERINE  
Er ... is there a change of pants in the jet? There are some things a healing factor just can't deal with.  
  
STORM  
Whatever. Let's get a good night's sleep before attacking the secret base, okay?  
  
WOLVERINE  
Hey Jean ... chances are the love of your life is buried somewhere in Jersey, whaddya say?  
  
JEAN  
What a romantic.  
  
WOLVERINE  
C'mon ... I'm ruff, tough, and the old Healing Factor(TM) means I can go all night.  
  
JEAN  
That's hardly .. all night?  
  
WOLVERINE  
Every night.  
  
JEAN  
Ah ... er ... no! I have to stay true to ... you know, the guy with the red glasses.  
  
MYSTIQUE  
Excuse me ... all night?  
  
WOLVERINE  
Hmm ... might be interesting ... could cement my bad boy characteristic ...  
  
MYSTIQUE transforms into JEAN, STORM, ROGUE and WILLIAM STRYKER  
  
WOLVERINE  
Look, if I went into wierd military guys, Swordfish would have had a whole different ending, okay?  
  
MYSTIQUE  
Works for Magneto ...  
  
WOLVERINE  
I don't care! And I didn't want to know! The magic is over!  
  
INT - Blackbird Jet - next day  
  
STORM  
Those guys are stealing all the screentime. Us Oscar winners gotta stick together.  
  
ROGUE  
At least I didn't have to show my tits to get mine ...  
  
STORM  
What?  
  
ROGUE  
Er ... look, all you need is a subplot! Just try and bond with that wierd blue German ...  
  
STORM  
Well ... I did work with Billy Bob Thornton ...  
  
WOLVERINE  
Pyro - back at Boddy's house, you did something dangerous and irresponsible with your powers. There's only room for one dangerous maverick in this francise. So you suck.  
  
PYRO  
Hang on - I use flames - FLAMES - to stop those cops, but none of them are dead or seriously injured. Doesn't that say something about my self control?  
  
JEAN  
I don't care - you suck.  
  
STORM  
Er, shouldn't we stop one of our students sitting next to the powerful and dangerous mutant terrorist?  
  
WOLVERINE  
Sorry, This seat's got a prime view of Jean's ass - and I'm staying put.  
  
STORM  
Look, since we're involved in flying this thing ...  
  
WOLVERINE  
I'm here, her ass is there. End of story.  
  
STORM  
Just two minutes. Get Pyro to sit next to ...  
  
WOLVERINE  
Ass - here!  
  
MAGNETO  
So tell me young man - do you watch ... gladiator movies?  
  
PYRO  
SOrry?  
  
MAGNETO  
Ah ... so, ever thought about joining the forces of evil? Cool dialogue and catchphrases, hanging around naked blue supermodels if you're so inclined, full medical and dental ...  
  
PYRO  
Dental?  
  
MYSTIQUE  
Just say the word, and your smile will be just as bright as Tom Wellings.  
  
PYRO (awe inspired whisper)  
Tom Wellings?  
  
PYRO, MYSTIQUE and MAGNETO give a heartfelt sigh.  
  
MAGNETO  
Either you join us, or you get less screen time than Jean's red-eyed butt monkey.  
  
INT - Super Secret Military base - day  
  
XAVIER is trying to resist  
  
XAVIER  
Must .. not ... kill ... all ... mutants  
  
WIERD GUY IN WHEELCHAIR  
Don't you find it strange that you're a trained and experienced Shakespearian actor, and Halle Berry gets a 'Best ...' Oscar before you do?  
  
XAVIER  
The fuckers die. 


	3. The third and final

JEAN  
  
Okay, we've found the secret base. Kids, stay in the jet.  
  
ROGUE  
  
Hey, we can help!  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Sorry hon, there's no real need for one of us to be drained by some parasitic freak. Face it, in a practical situation, you're next to useless.  
  
ICEMAN  
  
Hey, I've proved myself! I can create barriers to hide behind ... paralyse bad guys with frostbite ... make whole rooms inexplicably cold for some reason ...  
  
STORM  
  
WHAT? Hell no! You sit your ass down in this jet, boy!  
  
PYRO  
  
So a living flamethrower isn't going to be any use in a secret base filled with armed-to-the-teeth special forces commandoes?  
  
STORM  
  
Just make sure Iceboy doesn't wander off or you'll never see Teacher's Goodies ever again, you got that?  
  
PYRO  
  
Yes ma'am.  
  
While everyone was arguing over who goes to save the day, MYSTIQUE has gone off, impersonated WOLVERINE, knocked out half the military base, opened the doors, did her taxes, and inspired half a dozen websites.  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Whoa.  
  
MAGNETO  
  
Makes you wonder if there's a point in keeping you in this movie series, isn't there?  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Whu? Ah ... come on everybody! Mystique couldn't have take out the whole base ... she's probably in real trouble if I ... I mean we don't go over there right now! could she?  
  
While every other mutant walks into the base, STRYKER is preparing his dastardly plan. So when WOLVERINE wanders off, there's a lot of spare time for the JAPANESE CHICK to start BEATING THE CRAP out of WOLVERINE  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
I - don't - care - what - they - say - acu- puncture - sucks!  
  
While MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are taken to Cerebro, CYCLOPS starts attacking JEAN.  
  
CYCLOPS  
  
Must ... kill ... only ... woman ... who ... would ... put ... out ... for ... me ...  
  
MAGNETO  
  
Seems mind control really improved his delivery ...  
  
JEAN  
  
Scott! Fight it!  
  
CYCLOPS  
  
Only ... screen ... time ... available ... sorry ... honey ...  
  
JEAN  
  
May as well start the forshadowing for number three ...  
  
JEAN makes her eyes start to glow in a somehow PHEONIX-LIKE fashion, and inbetween SPANKING CYCLOPS, seriously damages the DAM where the military base is situated.  
  
JEAN  
  
Ooopsy.  
  
INT - X Jet  
  
PYRO  
  
There's only so much porn you can look at with a chick in the same room. I'm gonna go out.  
  
ICEMAN  
  
Hey! What about Storm's threat?  
  
PYRO  
  
Don't worry, she'll try for another Oscar sooner than later.  
  
Meanwhile, WOLVERINE is still getting NINE LEVELS OF MANURE ripped out of him  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Twice I get the living shit kicked out of me by a girl! Twice! Jesus!  
  
WOLVERINE finally beats the JAPANESE CHICK  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
We have technology that makes Keanu Reeves look like a credible action hero, but the X-Men's single most profitable character still has problems in a fight ... where's the justice ...  
  
Soldiers are stationed outside Cerebro's entrance...  
  
MAGNETO  
  
Did I mention that I never really wanted to be a supervillian?  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Yeah, it's the kind of job you tend to fall into ... what did you want to be?  
  
MAGNETO  
  
I wanted to be an interior decorator  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Oh?  
  
The soldiers around Cerebro da Second BLOW UP  
  
MAGNETO  
  
Yes, I still dabble. For example ... I've just done this corridor in post-modern redshirt ...  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Normally, I go for the retro feel, but this really speaks to me ...  
  
XAVIER has finally activated CEREBRO ... bloody Windows ... and ATTACKS EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!  
  
Every mutant on the planet is in instant, total agony.  
  
CYCLOPS (rolling on the ground in pain)  
  
Oh my God ... I'm sorry ... This moment is ... so much bigger than me...  
  
ROGUE  
  
Thank you. I'm so honoured ... I am so honoured ...   
  
ICEMAN  
  
... and thank the academy for choosing me ... to be the vessel ... from which this blessing might flow ...  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
This movie-making experience was ... magical for me ... because of you ... You believed in me... you trusted me and you gently guided me to very scary places ... for God's sake little buddy, burrow through all that packed in red meat ..  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Magneto! If you don't open those doors right now I swear there will be no more 'Daddy's Little Soldier' ever again!  
  
MAGNETO opens the doors to CEREBRO and shuts it down.  
  
MAGNETO  
  
Hey, I've saved the whole of ... mutantity! Geez ... hate to make the trip a complete waste ... I'll try killing the whole of humanity!  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Bit of a change from the last film, wasn't it? I mean ... the first time, you were trying to effect a change in policy by making world leaders become mutants ... now you're just going to wipe them out?  
  
MAGNETO  
  
Got any other ideas?  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Urhhmm ... make humanity incapable of physical or psychological harm, direct or indirect against a mutant?  
  
MAGNETO  
  
Nah ... too Buffy.   
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
I don't know...  
  
MAGNETO  
  
We're almost certainly going to get the guys who thought 'My Big Fat Greek Life' was a good idea...  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Fry the bastards!  
  
EXT - Conveniently placed helicopter.  
  
STRYKER is preparing to escape when WOLVERINE hunts him down.  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Okay! Time to make the guy who took my life away suffer!  
  
STRYKER  
  
You idiot! You were already an angst-ridden dark character with anger management issues. I just made you even tougher, gave you super strong claws and a market share that not even the Board of Marvel Comics could screw up! Besides - that redhead wrecked the dam trying to stop her possessed boytoy. If you run in and save the day, she might get over him and dump the...  
  
WOLVERINE is already high-tailing it back to the base.  
  
As the dastardly duo make their escape, the X-Men head towards Cerebro.  
  
JEAN  
  
Bad news, Magneto hit the big reverse switch, and is ready to kill all of humanity.  
  
CYCLOPS  
  
Couldn't we just ... you know, turn off the power? Cut the antennas or cables? I don't think a cheap copy of a sophisticated telepathic booster and transceiver is totally fuck-up proof ...  
  
JEAN  
  
No - the new blue guy and the most recent Oscar winner has to teleport in at great personal risk and convince the Professor it's too cold today to kill a large percentage of every living thing on the planet.  
  
Meanwhile, the PRESIDENT is crawling under the Oval Office desk, trying to bash his own brains out with a paperweight...  
  
PRESIDENT  
  
Thank you. Mike Pasternak ... Tom Ortenberg for making sure ... everybody knew about this little tiny movie ... oh god, they haven't cleaned under here since Clinton...  
  
MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE have headed towards the helicopter, to see a suffering STRYKER tied up.  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Hey, the guy responsible for your torture and humiliation! Should we kill him now or take him on the helicopter to watch him slowly suffer?  
  
SINGER  
  
Er ... no, gotta wring one more confrontation out of him with Wolverine ... you're going to untie him, then tie him up again and leave him to die near some concrete blocks ...  
  
MAGNETO  
  
But I get to strip him naked and exposed to freezing conditions?  
  
SINGER  
  
No.  
  
MYSTIQUE  
  
Cut him and herd some nearby wolves to get the scent of his blood and then maul him as we watch from the sky?  
  
MAGNETO  
  
This is taking all the fun out of being a bad guy...  
  
PYRO emerges from the woods.  
  
PYRO  
  
So ... dental?  
  
Just then the PROFESSOR has woken up from his trance...  
  
PROFESSOR  
  
Do you realise in ten more seconds, I could have wiped out every boy band on the face of the Earth?  
  
NIGHTCRAWLER  
  
Vat? Dey are human?  
  
STORM  
  
Long story. Involves genetic engineering, two bottles of vodka, a bet and stoats.  
  
Everybody runs out towards the exit - and WOLVERINE heroically runs past them, plunges his claws into the power box, and closes the doors before an enormous wall of water crushes Marvel's Cash Cow.  
  
JEAN  
  
You realise you just ran past the big red button saying 'Close Emergency Barrier'?  
  
WOLVERINE (now smoking - literally)  
  
Cccooouulldd soommmeebbooddy pppuuulll mmmmeee oooouuuuttt ooofff tthhiiisss ttthhhiinnnggg ...  
  
Finally everybody heads towards where the helicopter was...  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Must remember to take the keys with me...  
  
Then ROGUE 'pilots' the X-Jet, and lands it nearby...  
  
WOLVERINE heads towards the still surviving STRYKER  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Although I could easily cut you down, and haul your fat ass to two experienced telepaths who wouldn't need a whole lot of persuasion to rape your mind out of every little detail of my past ... I'm going to let you live as some sort of symbol of me abandoning the past and progressing towards the future ... you know, shit like that.  
  
As he heads back to the X-Jet, there's a few problems.  
  
STORM  
  
Power's down! Did we remember to fill up?  
  
CYCLOPS  
  
Shut down all secondary functions and recheck the pre-flight!  
  
ICEMAN  
  
Hit Cntl-Alt-Del!  
  
JEAN goes outside, and while telekinetically STARTING THE JET, holds back a MASSIVE WAVE OF WATER.  
  
CYCLOPS  
  
Jean! My love, my life, my subplot!  
  
PROFESSOR (possessed by Jean)  
  
It is ... too late for me...   
  
CYCLOPS  
  
OH Jean...  
  
Kneels down besides the Professor  
  
CYCLOPS (Cont'd)  
  
Your shiney head is ... so alluring...  
  
WOLVERINE  
  
Show of hands, anyone remotely surprised?  
  
None come up.  
  
The JET slowly rises, then TAKES OFF. Despite the fact that JEAN held back millions of tonnes of water, possessed the WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH (TM), supressed another mutant's power and started up a Jet ALL AT THE SAME TIME, she somehow is unable to get herself out of the way and is swallowed up by the water.  
  
INT - WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - Day  
  
THE PRESIDENT is just about to make a nationwide speech when XAVIER and crew freeze everyone's minds and enter.  
  
XAVIER  
  
Mr. President. I hope you're not sore about the whole ... you know, near-extermination of humanity. And it might be considered a little rude that we've brought the guy who nearly assassinated you into your office, but somehow none of my students thought to bring their wallet, so leaving him in Starbucks for fifteen minutes was out. You know, since your boy Stryker started the whole thing, so why don't we call it quits?  
  
PRESIDENT  
  
So you're saying I should ignore a group of individuals with the facilities to destroy entire nations? Make no firm policy on those who have the potential to kill every person in the world?  
  
XAVIER  
  
Just treat us like North Korea.  
  
PRESIDENT  
  
Oh. That makes much more sense...  
  
JEAN (V.O.)  
  
Mutants. A species hated more than the French. No, really. Thank God we don't surrender like they do. And if we die, we have a tendency to come back. And die. And come back. And die ... well you get the picture. Or you'll see it when Singer signs for the next sequel... 


End file.
